Living Without

The above page was written somewhere around 2 months ago, not long after my loss of Baby Mic. I think there’s a soft place after a loss where you’re filled with adrenaline, and you’re lifted by friends and family. The loss is raw, but surreal. I was a little self-involved, and very self-preservative. The real struggle, and the one that has followed for me, is learning to live with the loss. The deepest depths were yet to come.

At first, not being pregnant anymore felt like a vacation from pregnancy. I figured we would grieve the loss and move on. It’s the moving on that’s proving extraordinarily difficult. Our loss provided us the opportunity to take pause and catch our breath and think about what’s best for our family. Something spooked Ken in the early weeks of my pregnancy. I don’t know what, but he seemed relieved when I miscarried. I focused on the positive when I miscarried. I would be able to spend the summer in my body without worry about the baby. I would be able to have drinks at my friends’ weddings, I would be able to ride Tower of Terror at Hollywood Studios. It would be the best of both worlds. I would enjoy the summer to the fullest, and then . . .