Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Beginning of Baby Mic

When I made the decision to try for a fourth child and approached Ken with the proposition, I was reeling from the bad in this world, and needing an antidote. I was feeling nostalgic; feeling mercifully blessed and wanted to multiply that feeling. I wanted to give more good to this world, because I could, and to those I love. I wanted to bring more light and love to our lives – to give my children another sibling, to give my parents another grandchild, and to have one more thing to live for, to love for.

Those feeling continue to pervade my reality, and are even stronger now that we got a glimpse of how meaningful this little life was and how much joy our Rainbow Baby would bring. As part of my unending loop of thoughts, I play, over and over, the day I told my Mom by showing her a photo of my positive pregnancy test on my phone. I play the day that we told the kids at dinner. I play the day I told Ken by giving him a card and the positive test. I play the day I posted on facebook and congrats poured in – jubilant for our family. Each moment, I was so proud for all of us and so sure that adding another little person would make this great thing even greater. It would make me a better mother; Ken a better father. It would make our world better. It would make the world better. I watch these scenes in my head kind of like I’m watching a horror movie – with my hands over my eyes, peeking through the cracks in my fingers, and looking away when it’s too much.

I feel like I’ve let everyone down now and the world isn’t as great as it could be and it’s my fault. It’s not that I feel I don’t have enough. I am blessed more times over than I deserve or ever could have imagined. It just isn’t all that it could be. All that it should be.

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