The fantasy of influence

After testing again last night, now four days before all hopes are dashed for this cycle, and getting a negative, I’m focusing my sights on next month.


Fact: Aside from knowing the right time to dance the big dance, 99.99% of becoming pregnant is out of our hands.

That said - we’re women. We hold jobs, we run households, we’re strong, we’re capable. We are in control. Well, we were. Now, we’re at the mercy of God, the Universe, Mother Nature, our husband, our body, our libido, his libido, our schedules, and the alignment of the stars. We’re incapable of sitting back and letting things happen – incapable of releasing control in just one area of our life.

Simple solution – we don’t relinquish the reigns. We hold on tight. Logically, we may know that getting knocked up has to be an act of God, but we run a close second and we’re going to do everything possible to make it happen. These efforts include but are not limited to:

Charting your cycle by watching for fertility signs
Ovulation Predictors
Dancing with the girl on bottom
Elevating the baby arena on a pillow for 20 minutes after dancing
Taking Robitussin cough syrup
Eating fresh pineapple
Eating French fries
Eating baby carrots
Making sure the woman, ahem, really, really enjoys the dance
Reducing stress
Not Smoking
Not Drinking
Using Pre-seed
Using “Instead” brand Softcups

There are more, but these are some of the oldest and dearest.

I’m in no position to say if any of this really, really works, but I can say that it makes the journey to conception a little easier. It gives women a toolbox to pull from that helps them feel powerful in a powerless situation. Well, now that I’ve made my shopping list, I’m off to the store . . .

Patience is also a form of action. ~ Auguste Rodin

Patience is also a form of action. ~ Auguste Rodin.

I may get a mug with this on it, and stare at it all day while I drink my decaf coffee and water.

This helps remind me that the process of creating little Michael(a) began way before sperm meets egg.  In the immediate context, the act of bringing a new little life into the world began with the decision to have a fourth child.  That decision then led to "actively trying to conceive", which will eventually result in conception.  Right now, typing this post, I'm actively working on getting little one here in my arms.  I'm readying myself emotionally and mentally, I'm taking care of myself, taking prenatals, and I'm living today, which puts me one day closer to the next chance I get to introduce sperm and egg.  ;-) 

On a more zen, abstract level, Michael or Michaela's spirit has been pushed closer and closer to us beginning with the birth of his/her older brother, his/her older sisters, and his/her spirit sibling who never came to earth.

Sometimes our family gets so caught up in talking about our kids' new baby brother/sister that we must sound like (s)he is already here.  I catch myself and think it odd for a moment.  However, (s)he already has a place in our hearts, and it's just a matter of time until (s)he is here with us.  That's how all my babies started - a thought.  A yearning.  The baby bug.  All of my children grew first in my heart and head, then in my body.  I imagined what they looked like before I laid eyes on them.  I imagined what they smelled like before I held them close to me.  I imagined what they would sound like before I heard them laugh (and cry!).  I imagined what they would live like before I began to raise them.  This fourth child is no different.  I'm in the beginning stages of parenting.  Again.

Statistics that say it can take up to 12 months for a healthy couple to conceive.  An average, for a healthy couple, of 4 - 5 months.  In that respect, Ken and I are on our second month.  We're putting in our time.  We're halfway there.

Statistics, unfortunately, also state that things can go wrong more frequently in a woman of AMA (advanced maternal age).  I hope that we only have to go through the journey of getting a positive pregnancy test one more time.  Though I know it's possible, I really don't want to endure another miscarriage.  If waiting for the perfect sperm and the perfect egg to unite will put Baby M on solid ground, I'll wait for that.

I'll pass the time with dreaming of the great things my children will do and the great people they will be come.  All four of them.

BFN

So, I've been testing like a crazy person.  I'm not sure what that was about, but it was a little bit experimental.  My fertility history is that I've gotten pregnant twice on birth control, and twice the "first try".  So, I guess I got a little overconfident and thought instead of seeing IF I was pregnant, I'd see how early I could get a BFP (big fat positive).  A mentality of - just how fertile am I?  Anyway . . . I guess all of the negative pregnancy tests (8 leading up to the BIG fat negative) prepared me a little for the ultimate letdown today.  The official test day.  The official negative. 

I'm still "in the game" so to speak, since my period (AF [Aunt Flow]) isn't due until Monday, but I'm not hopeful.  Again, this is history talking.  My "on purpose" tests have shown up well before my period was due, so I take that to mean that they all will.  I suppose I could just wait to see if I'm "late" like normal, not obsessed people do.  That's my new plan.  My Plan B(FP).  ;-)

I'm shifting my focus, for now, to health.  I'm going to try and figure out some ways to move more throughout the day and hit my daily burn on my bodybugg.  I'm looking at Jillian's 30 Day Shred DVD.  I was worried about the intensity of it and how it would affect little one if I get pregnant (before I know I'm pregnant), but from what I've read, it's alright to work out hard.  It will make me feel like this time is put to good use and will make for a happier pregnant lady, come February.  :-)

So, the obsession has died down a little for now - I'll see you on the flip side of ovulation . . .

The Longest Month. Ever.

Seriously.  Does every 28 days last this long?  Even with the distraction of the holidays, work, and three kids, I still manage to focus my mental energy on only one thing - am I or aren't I? 

I have 2 days until it's "conceivably" possible that I get a positive pregnancy test, 9 days until it's certain I would get a positive test.  That said, I've already tested 4 times.  I guess I'm hoping I'm a freak of nature and get my positive pregnancy test hours after conception.

The ironic thing is, it really is alright with me if I don't get pregnant this month.  I really want to lose a lot more weight, and would really feel better going into a new pregnancy healthy.  Every month that goes by puts me 8 pounds closer to my goal weight. 

It's just the "not knowing" that's killing me.  Really. 

Hopefully, the next post will be an update that will tell one way or the other.  Until then...

Obsess Much?

We are getting into the window of opportunity on our first month of trying - to think that conception could happen any day now is making me crazier than usual.

I'm watching the calendar, wandering to Expecting Clubs and wanting to get that positive pregnancy test so much.  I feel like it should happen this month, because it's happened the first try every other time, but I also know we were so very fortunate for that.  I know it's not always that easy, but it has been in our experience.

Ken's asking me every day if I "feel anything going on".  LOL.  I try and keep him in the dark as much as possible (no pun intended), because I don't want our time together to be a mission.  I don't want it to feel different.  He's anxious, though.  I think that's fun.  :-)

On the flip side, I'm also focusing on health and fitness.  I got my bodybugg for Christmas and I'm loving the new fitness gadget!  I'm aiming to lose mucho weight, so each month that I don't conceive at least puts me 5 - 10 pounds closer to being a healthier weight.  So, there's that.  I'm completely off caffeine and alcohol, taking prenatals, and working out within recommended limits, so that it will be a seamless transition from TTC to pregnancy.

I am two weeks away from even possibly testing, so it will be an exercise in patience, which we all know I lack.  ;-)  That's why we exercise patience, though, right?  To get better and stronger.  We've enjoyed talking about adding to our family, planning for it - we told the kids last week about our plans.  There were mixed reactions there.  Bren was pretty much shocked and kept asking why we wanted ANOTHER.  He feels like everything's good now, I think, and doesn't know why we'd want it to change.  El was very excited about another baby and wants to sleep with "him".  LOL.  So, we'll enjoy this time of looking forward to becoming a family of six, without the morning sickness and while my waistline is decreasing instead of expanding...  ;-)

Ode to Caffeine

Prior to the last two pregnancies that were planned (d'oh!), I went off caffeine completely (and on prenatals) before we started TTC.  I'm doing this again this time - the largest part of this is so that I can rid my body of caffeine, which is a pregnancy no no, gradually and not shock my poor system.  The second part is so that I feel I'm "doing something" to help get the ball rolling on having another baby.

Unfortunately, since getting back on the juice after weaning Jule, I've developed quite a liking for caffeine in all shapes and forms, and I'm having a very hard time giving up my vice.  To bid a fair farewell to my much missed companion, I've written a fitting poem...

Ode to Caffeine


You are my friend, my drug of norm
you help me face my day
always there, in many a form
At home or far away.

The little baby can’t partake
For now we must part days
the little baby you may break.
with your naughty stimulant ways

A headache I’m sure I’ll suffer
as we say farewell
not having you will make me tougher.
though I’m sure it will be Hell.

I’ll miss you in the days ahead
when pregnancy exhaustion is here
I’ll feel so tired, like the living dead
Abandoned by you, I fear.

Until we meet again, take care
I’ll be counting day by day
Once the baby’s not so fair
I’ll have you here to stay

*sniff, sniff* I’ll miss you, C.

Genesis

I’m inviting you into my life, and into my bedroom. Well, sort of. Ken and I have decided to add to our family and give Bren, El, and Jule a brother or sister - God willing. I say “God willing” because Ken and I are well aware that we are so very, very blessed to have three healthy children. We accept that immense and overwhelming responsibility earnestly and never a day goes by that we take it for granted. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that my thoughts are loud and relentless and I have a tendency to ruminate (ok, obsess). This time, I’m bringing you along for the roller coaster ride from trying to conceive through birth and beyond. Save for a few intimate details, you will be privy to the entire goings on throughout our house and throughout our journey. Who knows what will happen?

While I know those in our inner circle will appreciate the sentiment, I also hope to reach out to all the obsessive folks who are in any stage of parenting whatsoever – trying to conceive (the dreaded two week wait, buying pregnancy tests in bulk – you know who you are!), or trying to cope with a teenager (one moment a child, one moment a man, he’s Teenzilla!). Chances are, I’ve been there, done that, and can offer some insight. And frankly, I can use all the help I can get, so I’ll be reaching out to all of you wise parents for advice and moral support.

For those who don’t know my family’s background, I’ll give you the short version so you know all the players. We’ll all get to know each other more as time goes on. Ken and I both work full-time in the IT industry, where we met at work ten years ago. We’ve been married since Fall of 2002. I have a son, Ken’s bonus son, who just turned fourteen. Yikes. Ken and I have two daughters together – Elizabeth, who is 5, and Juleana who just celebrated her first birthday. We treasured our “July Baby” for five short weeks in November of 2007, until I miscarried at 9 weeks. I am entering this new adventure of trying to get pregnant a fifth time with an open mind and an open heart, a sense of adventure and a sense of humor. I am relaxed and ready to enjoy every moment. I hope you are too.

As far as babies, I have experience in a lot of different areas, and would like to use this blog to share that experience and as an opportunity to hear new ideas throughout what will [probably] be my last pregnancy. ;-)

Please stop by often, and post comments regularly so I know I’m not talking to myself.

XO
Dawn